Questions and Answers on Sixty Days: A Walk with Suicide

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Q: What led you to write Sixty Days: A Walk with Suicide?

 

A: I've dealt with suicidal ideation for a significant portion of my life and one of the things that plagued me throughout my journey is the idea that if I just worked hard enough, changed my thoughts enough, was productive enough or what have you—that I could just will my way out of it. And our individualistic self-help culture nurtured that. So, I kept finding books about getting better and the steps to make it happen and what occurred was that I was seeking out connection but really only finding more tasks to do when I didn't even have the energy to do the bare minimum. So instead of finding a connection I found more reasons to dislike myself because I had all these books about people overcoming and triumphing and I was still in the midst of it. So, I wanted a book that focused solely on the experience I was having. I didn't want book with a guarantee things will get better or a to do list or reasons to feel like a disappointment—just the experience captured on paper. And I feel like Sixty Days does a good job of that.

 

Q: It takes a lot of courage to write with this much vulnerability, what was the impetus behind this depth of authenticity?

 

A: I remember getting out of the hospital after a suicide attempt, and something that struck me was how unreal it felt from having tried to end my life at one point in the week and then waiting tables the next. What felt worse was the disconnect I experienced between the darkness I was going through and the people around me who were supposed to be friends that are supposed to know me. I sat down with one of them shortly after, in hopes of finding connection or support. I started the conversation off by saying something to the effect of 'you know, I've been pretty down for a while' and before I could finish the thought my friend replied, "nonsense! You're the happiest person I know" and that was the end of the discussion. I carried that with me for a while. That interaction taught me that if I reached out for support, I wouldn't be believed and I took the idea and continued to keep my authentic self to myself as a result. Living with that mask on, constantly feeling like no one truly knew me wore me down. I started writing, initially just for myself, but when I re-read what I had written I felt more at home in my own words than I did with the people around me and the girl on those pages deserves to be seen just as much as anybody else. And I knew that if my words were helping me, with 7 billion people on the planet, they were bound to help someone else too. 

 

Q: Sixty Days is quite heavy, how would you respond to people who say it's too heavy?

 

A: Well, being suicidal is quite heavy. I'm not sure it could have been written any other way. The point of Sixty Days is creating connection with people who are in the thick of it and to inform practitioners of what the day-to-day existence of someone battling these thoughts consists of. It's not meant to be a feel-good read with a clear upward trajectory, because that's not the reality of dealing with suicidal ideation. Being suicidal, for me, felt like I was being crushed by my own thoughts. The pressure was inescapable. It was on my mind constantly. I think the fact that Sixty Days reads like a journal helps capture that difficult feeling.

 

Q: You mentioned that Sixty Days is both for people experiencing suicidal ideation and their practitioners. You've explained the importance of creating connection for people who are "in the thick of it", what do you hope practitioners gain?

 

A: After going through nursing school, one of the things I realized was that healthcare does a really good job of breaking a human experience filled with emotion and nuance into a black and white diagnosis and set of associated symptoms. I would hope, from reading Sixty Days, that the connect with the human on the other side of the diagnosis. I would love for them to find some of their clients on the pages of the book and recognize the importance of the life saving work they do and also the individuality of the people they serve.

 

Q: Any final thoughts for people on the fence about reading your book?

 

A: Every 11 minutes someone dies by suicide in the US. And that's just one country in a world with over a hundred. For everyone who dies by suicide thousands more battle the thought or attempt it. If suicide is shocking to you, try taking the plunge into a mind plagued by suicide and see if you can gain some understanding. If suicide is tempting to you, I wish you the strength to continue and hope that you find connection on the pages of Sixty Days. It may be a hard read, but I think it's worthwhile for creating conversations, fostering connection, and promoting understanding.